In February 2012, I had an enlightening moment. While traveling through the Caribbean Island of St. John, a little voice inside my head said, “this is it, this is life in its purest form.” A 10 year dysfunctional relationship ended in the winter of 2015, everything I was building for, and everything I thought I knew was quickly shattered. For years emotions had been simmering underneath, however it took the breakup for it all come to the surface. My life teetered between two worlds. I could see this new higher version of myself on the horizon, however I was still living in some of my past ways.
Up until high school, I lived a pretty normal life, or at least I thought so. I lived in a divorced household with loving parents, the youngest of 3. I had friends, I socialized with others and was pretty close to everyone. Somewhere in high school, I lost all of that. Looking back, my 4 years were extremely tough. I lost all my “friends” from grammar school and never was really able to connect with anyone. I felt lost and alone for most of it. Everything was so trivial and I could never make sense of it. I was never physically bullied, however I was verbally harassed from time to time.
It wasn’t really till I entered college, that I began to connect with things in life again. By far the thing that really caught my attention was the music scene. It was a sense of oneness I hadn’t felt before. The artists were singing lyrics that at the time, I was able to feel, but unable to speak. New friends were made and for once I began to find myself.
Along came my first relationship at the tender age of 22. I did the best I could at the time, with what I knew, but it would eventually end. Just a few short days after I told my first love that I loved her, she broke up with me. It was only a short time later I would learn of the extracurricular activities going on behind my back. I was devastated beyond repair. I had never experienced a feeling like that in my life. Any innocence that I had up to that point, was shattered. Empty, cold, alone, unworthy, not loveable, shamed, humiliated, rejected, you name it! Everyone told me to just get over it and move on! I never really processed it the right way. I feel like I never received the guidance I was looking for. I just sort of dealt with it and moved along.
When I met the girl who I would eventually begin my second relationship with, I had a wall built so high around my heart, I should have never gotten involved. I had no idea what it took to be in a relationship, no idea what love was, no idea what the hell I was doing. We just sort of took to each other and rolled.
This takes me to 2011. I was already in the midst of cleaning up my lifestyle. I had begun eating a healthier diet, added a running routine into my life, cut back on the binge drinking and got bit by the travel bug. I guess you could say I was beginning to find myself, once again. Was this the start of my awakening?
4 years later an ending that had been in the works for a while came. I felt broken again, but knew the relationship had to end. We were on completely different paths. I was once again told to just move on and get over it. I knew this time, it had to be different. I felt everything from my past come up. Everything that I had buried and I had thought was over, had erupted like a volcano. I had to feel all the pain, sit with all the emptiness and shed every tear that I could. The void is where I could finally dig my heels in and begin to understand what made me tick.
What have I learned during this process?
I’m an old soul, very empathic, nurturing, loving, and compassionate man! I feel everything and I mean EVERYTHING! I’m a bit of a loner and introvert. I’m OK with all of that. It makes me, me and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I have to admit it’s been a little lonely in this process, and at times it’s like I’m standing still as the rest of the world “happily” goes about their business, but I know on the other side of it, great things await.
I’m really trying to connect with things on a spiritual level now. From time to time I get dragged back into some of my old habits, but I just get back up and keep pushing forward. I’m really trying to listen to my inner voice speak and follow everything that makes my heart beat. Whether its music, photography, exploring, hiking, writing or travelling. I was already beginning to tune out a lot of societal ways, and I’m doing it more so now. I just don’t believe in a lot of what the world teaches us. I’m trying to figure out what exactly I’m supposed to be doing with this gift of life presented to us. Actually, I think I already know!
That brings me to the point of this blog.
I’ll be sharing my thoughts, words, travels and activities as much as I can. Constantly growing and learning more about myself every day. I don’t have the answers to anything in life, but if I can provide just a little bit of inspiration or hope for others out there, then I feel as if I have succeeded in my work. As humans, we all desire a connection. We just want to be heard and have someone else out there that can relate to us.
Sending hugs and love out to all, who are on their way to reconnecting with their truest form!